I'm very selfish today.

Sal is the godfather to one of his old friends oldest daughters. She is being confirmed today in the Catholic Church and I can't go. I emotionally can't. I had a babysitter lined up, was going to go but I can't. I cannot step into a place of worship when I am still so angry with HIM. I have read a lot lately about HIM that HE has a master plan. It might be new to us but it was HIS plan all the time. I am not at that place yet. I hope one day to get to that place but I cannot today. Maybe in a few months I can but for today I cannot. I don't like HIM right now. Yes that is selfish. But I don't. I am still very angry at HIM and although I know my anger will subside but for today I am angry.

So I am being selfish. I am sending Sal on his own to the church to see the confirmation of a beautiful young girl. I am sorry that I can't be there, but I cannot.

Without further adieu .. I bring you

my new bike.

She's a beaut. And she has pretty flowers. I told Sal that was the reason for the purchase, just to annoy. But really it had everything that I needed in a bike, all the right Derailleurs, shifters, pedal cages, even the seat is comfy. O.k. I'll be honest, it really looked pretty. No seriously, it had Shimano shifters and derailers. Bontranger handles and stems and 700c tires (the skinny ones) It fit well etc etc. I really don't know what it all means but I know that these were the things I was supposed to look for. Linda, thank your son-in-law for me because I was so confused.

So I am the proud owner of a Trek 7.3fx wds. I think it was a good choice. I've taken a few spins on it and I like it. Plus now I can put the crappy 'crappy tire' bike back on the roller and use that when it is snowing, like today. Seriously Calgary, come one why is it so yucky. I want spring, not just this fake taste of spring crap. It was purchased at the nicest, cleanest bike shop I've been too, and believe me I have been to most in the city. Pure Cycle in Millrise. I would definitely recommend them.

Now onto the route. If you want to see a very sore, tired but completely complete chick at the end of the race June 26th you can see me on the Cowboy trail. We will ride the cowboy trail for 216 km. If you want to know where to cheer me on, and man by the end I'll need A LOT of cheering, contact me at jsminardi@shaw.ca and I'll give you the details.

Finally my last piece of information. This will be shocking to many. I've decided to let old wounds just die with my dad. I'm going to see my Grandparents in August in Victoria. I'm excited. Very excited. The girls will have such a great time and so will I. I'm hoping Mom will have a decent time, although understandably it will be A LOT harder for her then for us. But hopefully we can lean on each other. Yep I'm taking a road trip with not my hubby but my momma and my kids. It will be a lot of fun.

So that's my news. Oh and I made it to Woodbine but not back the other night. Still 30 was good.

Sicko's musings and a LONG ride.

We have all felt incredibly gross, disgusting, sick, icky, nasty, snotty, yucky and did I mention SICK, this past week. It has been a week that's for sure. One I really hope is about to end. I don't like sick. Sick is icky. Sick kids that can't blow their noses and blow snot bubbles, really icky. This is especially true when you can't hold your own head up because it feels like a lead balloon. Good times! I think it is almost, do you hear that ALMOST, over.

I'm very lucky. Even with the snot bubbles. In my sickness, I have been searching blogs and found a few that make you think, darn I am one lucky girl. First there is Stellan, poor kid is 5 months old and still in heart failure for an easy term. Then there is was Maddie who at the tender age of 18 months died in the arms of her momma. Or how about Johnathan White who has cancer at a really incredibly young age. So many heartbreaking stories. It makes your realize that although life sometimes sucks, it could always be worse.

Now on to the Long ride. So tomorrow, the 19th of April, I am doing my first long ride. Altogether it will be 60km. HOLY CRAPPOLA. Cranston through Fish Creek to Woodbine and then back. Luckily I'm not insane so I'm stopping for lunch at my moms in Woodbine first. No kids, just me, my water, and my cell (just in case I need to call in the troops) Wish me luck!

The first of many firsts..

One down, 10 to go.

Easter was a tough one. I know they say it'll get easier with time and I know that it will but man oh man I miss my dad. Stupid Cancer.

The first Easter without Dad was a pretty low key one. Made it the best for the girls. A special request was put into the Easter bunny to do playdoh and sidewalk chalk and only one thing of chocolate. This was for the mommy who needs to bike 200+k in 2 months. No more crap needs to come into my system and I have no willpower.

So yeppers. Easter sucked. The girls are sick so it was fitting.

One holiday down, 10 'firsts' to go.

Croup round 5? - update

The barking seal.

That is what I just woke up to at 1:15. Sal well he slept through it until I yelled GET UP. It amazes me that he can sleep through anything. But anyways, I'm sitting here watching Dora at 2am because man E has it bad. I'm debating the hospital but think I'll wait a bit. The thought of the Children's hospital on a Saturday morning kind of makes me nauseous. Do I really want to wait for 10 hours to be seen, because really its not critical so we wouldn't be seen first or second or even third. I think I'll wait it out. I have to remind myself that it sounds 1000 times worse than it feels for her (or so I was told with the doctor with B) Have the bedroom done for her though, the vaporizer and the extra pillow (that was Sal's contribution) for when she does refall asleep. But for now I'm going to surf the web because its going to be a LONG LONG night.

Updated...
She slept for about 4 hours and seems to be better now. We will see tonight as the seal usually makes its appearance at night.

One down ... Two to go..

YIPPEE!!! I made my 'The Ride to Conquer Cancer' goal. I raised $5000!!! Holy smokes. I can't believe it.

Now I want to see if I can make my Goal of $7300 combining the Weekend to End Woman's Cancer and the Underwear Affair. If you would like to donate please email me at jsminardi@shaw.ca and I'll set you up with the paper form. Or to donate online click here for the Weekend or click here for the Underwear affair.

I am also in the works of doing a few little fundraisers.

Stamp a stack for Cancer through Stampin Up
A Pampered Chef Party
A Usborne Book Party
A Passion Party
And another Round of Coco Brooks Pizza..

I'll let you know more as details become available

I will make my goal. I will make $7500 towards cancer research this year. With your help, we can make cancer history! Wouldn't that be wonderful!!

Deadline..

Dear Dad,
I've always been the good girl. I did what was expected of me, almost always. So when 3 months ago you told me that I was supposed to grieve for 2 months and only two months after you died, I thought it was a silly thing but I tried anyways. I didn't do it. I miss you, today I miss you a lot. It feels so surreal. On one hand it feels like you have been gone for years, and on the other it feels like just yesterday you flashed all the lights and tv in my bedroom as your goodbye to me. But no, today it has been two months. Only two. I still can't quite believe it.

You had such a remarkable life. You had so much to share. So much useless knowledge to pass onto my girls. I am still so angry that you were screwed. We were all screwed. I do believe that you were sent here for 62 years. That was the plan all along. You were sent for a purpose. To love us. To make us. To make me who I am. I also believe, although I can't stand it, that you died for a reason, and while I cannot understand the why's I do believe there is a bigger power. I do hope to understand it, someday. But for now I'm still angry.

We are embarking on our first holiday without you and I'm trying to decide if we leave a seat open for you. Silly. I am going to. I bought an Easter card yesterday and couldn't just buy a I love you Happy Easter Mom card. I bought the to my loving parents. Because although you are not here, I have hopes that you are still with us. I believe, I have to believe that you are watching us. I hope that you are not disappointed in us. Me specifically, because I am your daughter. And I love you. I will always love you.

You would be excited for my bike training. I walked as part of my cross training last night and it was good. Tonight I expect to do a 25 km bike ride. This is good.

I love you dad. Happy Easter.

Jenn

It's real, it's really real!

I don't have an exact amount of days but I believe its less than 90 days left until I do the Ride to Conquer Cancer. YIKES! AND WOOHOO!! And just in time for the last 90 days, spring has arrived!!! We are finally getting spring here in Calgary, and I must say about bloody time!!

Biking has begun in full swing here at the house. Sal and I have went out the last two days with the girls on the bikes. He drew the short straw tonight and had to take the bike trailer, which I am pretty happy about since another 70 pounds is a heck of a lot of resistance. But boy what good training that is. A crappy, Canadian tire bike and massive resistance will make for a kick ass ride when I get my new bike and have no kids attached. But for tonight,I was quite willing to let him have the honor of carting the girls around.

We just did the loop around the neighborhood, so about 4k, then Sal went to the park with the girls and I did another 2 loops. So around 12k tonight. I'm happy with that. I could have went longer, but this thing called hydration was not on my bike. *note to self go to Walmart to pick up a water bottle holder..

Oh and have I mentioned how much I love biking? 10000 times more than running.

So for posterity sakes here are my On Road Totals
Sunday 4km
Monday 12 km

Kidney stones? ... well maybe but maybe not..

So I've been missing this past few days because of Kidney Problems. I find this funny. It's amazing how your mind will go to some terrible places when in a situation like I am. Pain in kidneys and lower abdomen. I didn't GOOGLE, I would normally have but I knew I didn't have Kidney Cancer and if I did have it then if I had pain I'd be screwed so really I didn't want to know. Anyways I didn't want to go to the hospital because I hate hospitals. Hate them. But my friend TL, called when I was at a level 9 in pain and heard my not so happy voice and said that she'd be over in 20 minutes.

So off we go to the hospital. Wow. I was one of the sickest. I felt bad that I was one of the sicker ones because I'm sure people were looking at me and thinking, seriously this lady looks pretty icky but really she gets in before me? But man it hurt. Worse than Emily's labour, and that was crappy!!!

Anyways after a vat of blood was drawn, exams, 6 hours later I was given the diagnosis of, probably kidney stones but not sure. The xray's came back as inconclusive. Stones usually show bright on Xray's and all they saw was a fragment 3mm off the bowel. Come back in 2 days if the pain is still between 4-9. Yay. But I did get a lovely script of Torodel. How can something so small be so painful!!

And pain today is a 3-4. So again we wait. I am learning to love waiting.

One of those ..

Have you ever had one of those days where you really want to do nothing but are surprisingly productive? I'm having one today. (well I'm taking a break from being bitchy and miserable for a few hours, we will see how that goes)

I'm tired though. Maybe that is helping with the productivity. I'm not letting it win. I've been letting the depression, the sadness, the grief WIN for too long. And I'm taking back my 'brave'. Well for today.

I miss good coffee. Because of my economic slump, I've decided to only buy my favorite coffee once every two months. and having to survive, seriously just survive, on crappy cheap cost effective coffee from Safeway. And I want my crickle creek, Jumpin Java or dark or whatever isn't the Cost Effective stuff. Oh well next week.