Dad..

3 years ago today, I leaned over my dad's bed at the hospice and told him what I knew. 

I knew that I wouldn't see him alive again. 

I knew that my kids wouldn't see him again (and that I was very grateful that my girls saw him one last time a few days prior)

I knew that it was time for him to move on.  To absolve himself of the cancer.  (or so I really hope)

I knew that he was loved and that we would miss him. 

I knew that my dad wouldn't be forgotten. 

I also knew that he made it to his 62nd birthday.

I told him that I was so proud of him.

I asked him to check in from time to time.

I told him that it was time to go.

I told him that I loved him so so so very much.

Today dad would have been 65. 

Tomorrow, he has been dead for 3 years.

I miss him.  I love him..

Happy New Year!

Another year has gone by. And what a year it was. Really low low's and some fantastic highs. I'm really hoping that 2010 will bring a lot more HIGHS then lows. Time will tell.

Yesterday I sat down with the family and gave them a pep talk. Its time. I have 6 months (actually less) to get my flabby butt back into saddle worthy shape. Which means a lot of family sacrifices. The calendar has been wrote out. I have my game plan. 3 days bike, 2 days run and 1 walk. Emily was very excited to help me with the run. Together we came up with me running when Bella was in school. Which means she gets to be in the jogging stroller with a blanket for 2 days every week. Which also means that she will get a lot of park time, because I'm not mean. If you have to run with me in the stroller, she'll also be able to stretch her legs after the run and go to park. So an excited little girl was she.

So that also means that you should get your checkbooks ready. I'm coming for you for a donation. Goal is high but the stakes are greater. Cancer sucks. This year alone, my dad died, 2 of my friends have cancer, and my cousins baby is now in remission (she's a whopping 2) So it can hit anyone.

Now onto the fun stuff, HAPPY NEW YEAR! May 2010 bring you health, happiness, success and everything you dream of.

Irony at its best..

So I'm feeling awesome. My knee is a bit sore still, so that means my bike isn't fitting me properly and I need to get it rechecked, but that's doable..

The ironic part .. I got so wind and sun burnt this weekend, even with SPF 45 that if I get skin cancer at a cancer event I'd probably laugh. Sadly I was one of the non-burnt people in comparison..

Oh so I've been asked what kind of bikes were on the event.. Three that are super notable. An old 1 speed. Yep the ones from 35 years ago. Wowza. A BMX bike, you know the ones that have a wheel size of 15 inches.. and what we dubbed as monster tire guy. These tires were flippin huge, probably 3 inches in width. Crazy.

Have a great week.

Just when you think ..

*BEWARE, THIS IS NOT A HAPPY POST. THIS IS A VERY SAD POST. * Just wanted to get that out there because if I do publish this, it will be sad..

I've heard it all the last 4 months. From, 'you seem to be doing good' all the way to 'you're not over it yet' (that one really pissed me off, seriously how do you get over losing a major part of your life?) and I've felt it all. The sadness, the grief, the happiness, the resentment, the anger etc etc..

Today I'm remembering that grief is a pendulum. I thought I was doing pretty good. Lately the memories have been happy ones. I missed dad, sure, but it wasn't overwhelming. Today it's overwhelming. I really can't stop missing him. I want to talk to him. I want to ask him what he wanted for Fathers Day, even though I know what I'd get as a response. I want to hear his voice. More than I want my next breath. I know it's impossible, and the result would me losing my life and that isn't cool. So I cry. I miss him so much. I want my daddy. I want to see his smile. I want to hear his laughter. I would even take him saying "when you going back to school" because that would be a wonderful alternative.

I hate this. I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling like I'm losing it. I bike, I run, I walk so someone else might not have to feel the same way I do. But it's just procrastination. I'm waiting for the shoe to drop. I'm waiting for the next wave of grief. And although I am grieving in the way that I'm grieving. There is no right way or wrong way to grieve, I feel like, I don't know what I feel like. But it sucks.

I'm sad. I miss this person that was such a huge part in my life. The questions that I have are enormous. Did he know I loved him so much? Did he know I was so proud of him, with and without this disease? Did he know I loved his stupid jokes. His magic tricks?

Blech.

Blech.

Blech

Shameless plugging

So my epic (ok for me it's EPIC and Inaugural ) "Jenny's Running, Pedaling, and walking for a cure" begins in 3 months! Wow time flies! First up, June 6th - the Underwear Affair where I will run 10km hopefully in under 1 hour! Next up, June 26th to the 28th will be my holy crap I'm insane because I'm riding 200+++km in the Ride to Conquer Cancer. And finally but certainly not least I will be walking at least 30km (hopefully 60k with $2000 in donations) the July 24th weekend in the Weekend to End Woman's Cancer.

I've almost reached my goal of $5000 in the Ride to Conquer Cancer, I have half the money ($150) needed for the Underwear Affair and am really lagging on the WEEKEND TO END WOMAN'S Cancer

It's HUGE. For those who are new reading my blog, this is the reason why

I'll tell you why I'm doing this. Why I am doing this huge journey My dad at 62 years old died. He had a LONG (but actually very short) journey of Metastatic Kidney Cancer. By the time it was found, it had metastasized to his gallbladder, his liver, his lung and 2 other places. By the time he died 14 months later it had went into his bone, skin and brain. 3% of kidney cancer goes to the brain. This was my daddy's luck! It sucked. He had beat cancer before, was told that his 5 year margins were good. And there ya go. But one doctor flippantly said, see you in 7 years. And yeppers 7 years later we assume the cancer started again. 3 years after that my daddy died. Shitty luck. My dad's mom has cancer on her side of the family. That means that my 2 beautiful girls might have that gene, and because my husbands father died of Lung Cancer then they are really screwed. And so are we. So I'm fighting. I'm fighting because this way my kids have a chance to not get this horrible disease. I'm fighting so my kids don't have to watch ME or Sal die from this disease. You can't live your life in fear but dammit I can't let cancer win. So I'm going to RUN, BIKE AND WALK to get rid of this blasted disease.

Calluses and cracked walnuts..

Callused and being able to crack walnuts with my ass. That's the goal in 4 months. Oh and being spandex ready.

I was biking tonight for an hour and half. very cool. Got a good playlist going. I must have been quite the sight, crying my eyes out with Melissa Ethridge's "I run for life" I wish my dad would have been able to see me at the end of this journey, biking with me (so yes he'd be on his motorcycle) but still I wish that would be the way. If wishes were horses right? But he's not and I'm biking for him.

I realized, really realized, why I'm biking from Calgary to Lake Louise. I'm biking so no daughter has to cry over her dad not being here to fix a plumbing problem. I'm biking so no wife has to try to figure out a "plan" after her husband dies. I'm biking so no mother has to spend 10 days separated from her family because the radiation in her body is so strong that its harmful to everyone near her. I'm biking so no mother or father, have to watch their child's eye be removed at 6 months old.

I'm biking for HOPE! FAITH! LIFE!

Grief has not been kind to me

All I want to do is eat. Eat crap none the less..

Newsflash: A whole box of Lifestyle cookies, are not healthy. Yummy, but not healthy!

Walk tonight, I think, but since its minus 18 it'll be a cold one. Going to bike in about 15 mins for an hour, if the girls will let me.

Still have to get a better bike seat. And some gloves. Can't decide on a bike as of yet. Giving myself one more month.. That'll give me 8 weeks to get used to it on city/rural roads.

So I'm biking for so many people and I can't let them down, I won't let them down.. If you have someone you would like me to bike for let me know and I'll figure out something to honor them. Because cancer SUCKS! I can bike 200+kilometers so no one else has to eat a box of lifestyle cookies because grief sucks. It sucks the life out of you.

Well there ya go..

One week ago today, I had a daddy. Today I have a daddy who is in heaven or in a better place. I hope that he's in a better place. I've been dealing with the thought of heaven and hell, a good place a bad place. An ever after, or just gone. I don't know what I believe. But I do believe that dad is free of pain, hurt and anguish. The last 14 months we have dealt with so much. We have watched dad go from a very strong and vibrant person to a strong spirit and a very weak body. It has hurt so much to watch him be destroyed by a disease that should and could be stopped.

1 in 2 people will get Cancer; 1 in 4 will DIE from cancer.
That is so not cool.

That is the reason for this blog. This is the reason I am biking 200 + Kilometers over 2 days in June. This statistic is horrendous. I am just one small person in a sea of many but I feel strongly that I can make a difference. We can make a difference. I promise to do the hard part. Its my legs and my butt.

Training resumes tomorrow. Because WE have







Bring on the BIKE!

Cruddy Day..

I'm having a hard time today. I don't feel like training, I don't feel like doing anything. I'm frustrated at Cancer and doctors. I don't get how you can look at dad, and although he's "ok" he doesn't look good. He looked worse yesterday then I have seen him in a good month. The only worse time was before the steroid was started at the beginning of December. He just looks tired.

He wasn't aware of who I was and although I'm getting more used to that it still sucks. Sucks the big one. The nurses were really happy with how he looks so I guess, and again I guess this is a good thing, that we have some more time with him. But really I think I'm tired. I'm so tired of watching this huge man, this guy who has been a strong and somewhat beligerent man get so weak. I know if he could know what he was like it would kill him. This is the cycle. Ups and downs. Ups and downs.. Maybe we are on the down of the last up, maybe we are really on the up going down. It is just so tough.

So there it is. I didn't train today. Actually my training this week has SUCKED. I walked Tuesday, ran Wednesday, and I'm hoping to bike tomorrow and have my crazy training session for my core on Saturday..

What Have I done?

OH MY GOD. I signed up to have a personal trainer whip me into biking shape.. I knew I was in trouble when I first spoke to her. I told her my 200km bike goal, and her eyes just LIT up! I'm actually terrified of my first "be prepared to workout" session on Saturday. She doesn't use any equipment just props, so I'm in for a treat. She did give me a heads up that by April (or any good non snowy day) she wants me to bike to the gym. That's like 30km on bike paths. I know I know 30k is just a step to 200km but man it seems like reality now and I'm scared. :D But again I can do this. This is nothing compared to watching Dad fight cancer.