Tis the season .. for dreams.

So I have to admit this. I really can't stand Christmas. No that's not right. I love Christmas. I just hate some of the crappy times that I now associate with this season. 3 years ago in November I was baking Chocolate Gingerbread cookies, when I got the phone call that changed my life. My dad and mom were home from their Phoenix trip and they needed to see us. I knew without knowing that my dad was going to die. Then Christmas happened that year. My dad had his first treatment on Christmas eve and the man who I hugged and wished a Happy Christmas was confident for us, but you saw it in his eyes - he knew. Fast forward the year. I received a phone call on the 7th of December, from mom saying that Dad had lost his mind. Which sadly was true. The cancer had spread to his brain. Crap. All hope was now lost. Crap. Next Christmas happened. We knew it was the last one that my daddy would celebrate with us. I was so thankful that for 1 day, he was somewhat lucid - he called me and wished me a happy Christmas. I remember not hearing his voice for a month and then hearing his voice and crying. I couldn't believe it. The brain is such a powerful thing. He wanted to say Merry Christmas and he was going to do it. We came over to the house and "celebrated" his last Christmas. It was as great as it could have been.

So now 2 years from that last Christmas, I can still see my daddy's face that last Christmas. And probably because I'm not a huge fan of Christmas and its a hard time,and I have pneumonia my brain is giving me a vision I haven't had for almost 18 months. The damn body bag. I hate that dream more than any other dream. I keep asking myself why? Why that one? Why now? I know the reasons, or I think I do. But of all the memories in my head, why do I have to see my dad in a body bag. Let me tell you of all the decisions I made in the last 3 months of his life, I regret most seeing him in the body bag. And even then I don't think I could have not. I didn't want him to be alone the last few seconds in the hospice room. So while they packed him up, I cried for him and he wasn't alone. But damn, if I knew that would be such a huge dream in my life, I would have not.


Sara said...

Not so great memories for you... and that dream. All I can say to you is I hope with all of my heart that within this season you find some peace. xx

Michelle said...

Jenn...I have no words that will heal your pain. If I was closer I would give you a huge hug. {{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}.

I really hope you start to feel better soon. Being sick is no fun anytime but especially during the holiday season. Try to remember all the good times you had with your dad and know he is watching over you during this trying time. Enjoy the day with your two beautiful daughters.

Jo-Ann said...

I know it hard to believe, but at some point in your life, you will find peace in those last memories. At some point, those memories that haunt you the most, will be the ones you most cherish.

How, do I know? Because when I held my brother's hand as he opened his eyes and took his last breath, I thought I will never get over. Now, 20+ years later, that is my most precious memory.

It takes time. But some day, you too will find peace.

I wish you only peace and comfort this Christmas season.

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