So I have to admit this. I really can't stand Christmas. No that's not right. I love Christmas. I just hate some of the crappy times that I now associate with this season. 3 years ago in November I was baking Chocolate Gingerbread cookies, when I got the phone call that changed my life. My dad and mom were home from their Phoenix trip and they needed to see us. I knew without knowing that my dad was going to die. Then Christmas happened that year. My dad had his first treatment on Christmas eve and the man who I hugged and wished a Happy Christmas was confident for us, but you saw it in his eyes - he knew. Fast forward the year. I received a phone call on the 7th of December, from mom saying that Dad had lost his mind. Which sadly was true. The cancer had spread to his brain. Crap. All hope was now lost. Crap. Next Christmas happened. We knew it was the last one that my daddy would celebrate with us. I was so thankful that for 1 day, he was somewhat lucid - he called me and wished me a happy Christmas. I remember not hearing his voice for a month and then hearing his voice and crying. I couldn't believe it. The brain is such a powerful thing. He wanted to say Merry Christmas and he was going to do it. We came over to the house and "celebrated" his last Christmas. It was as great as it could have been.
So now 2 years from that last Christmas, I can still see my daddy's face that last Christmas. And probably because I'm not a huge fan of Christmas and its a hard time,and I have pneumonia my brain is giving me a vision I haven't had for almost 18 months. The damn body bag. I hate that dream more than any other dream. I keep asking myself why? Why that one? Why now? I know the reasons, or I think I do. But of all the memories in my head, why do I have to see my dad in a body bag. Let me tell you of all the decisions I made in the last 3 months of his life, I regret most seeing him in the body bag. And even then I don't think I could have not. I didn't want him to be alone the last few seconds in the hospice room. So while they packed him up, I cried for him and he wasn't alone. But damn, if I knew that would be such a huge dream in my life, I would have not.
1 day ago