Just when you think ..

*BEWARE, THIS IS NOT A HAPPY POST. THIS IS A VERY SAD POST. * Just wanted to get that out there because if I do publish this, it will be sad..

I've heard it all the last 4 months. From, 'you seem to be doing good' all the way to 'you're not over it yet' (that one really pissed me off, seriously how do you get over losing a major part of your life?) and I've felt it all. The sadness, the grief, the happiness, the resentment, the anger etc etc..

Today I'm remembering that grief is a pendulum. I thought I was doing pretty good. Lately the memories have been happy ones. I missed dad, sure, but it wasn't overwhelming. Today it's overwhelming. I really can't stop missing him. I want to talk to him. I want to ask him what he wanted for Fathers Day, even though I know what I'd get as a response. I want to hear his voice. More than I want my next breath. I know it's impossible, and the result would me losing my life and that isn't cool. So I cry. I miss him so much. I want my daddy. I want to see his smile. I want to hear his laughter. I would even take him saying "when you going back to school" because that would be a wonderful alternative.

I hate this. I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling like I'm losing it. I bike, I run, I walk so someone else might not have to feel the same way I do. But it's just procrastination. I'm waiting for the shoe to drop. I'm waiting for the next wave of grief. And although I am grieving in the way that I'm grieving. There is no right way or wrong way to grieve, I feel like, I don't know what I feel like. But it sucks.

I'm sad. I miss this person that was such a huge part in my life. The questions that I have are enormous. Did he know I loved him so much? Did he know I was so proud of him, with and without this disease? Did he know I loved his stupid jokes. His magic tricks?

Blech.

Blech.

Blech

6 comments:

Angela said...

Oh Jenn, hugs....

MrsETaylor said...

Firstly big ole Erika Hugs for you my friend.

Just a suggestion and it might fly as well as a cannon ball on the ground

Start a tribute to your dad. Every time you are feeling down and out, Make something, write a poem, do a journal entry, and Then share it with him. He is there for you, and I believe he most definitely can here you, even if you can not hear him.

Love you bunches
E

Sonia said...

I don't have the answers to your questions but I wanted to give you a big ol' hug!

fullfreezer said...

Hugs to you. There aren't any magic methods to take away the pain. You're right, you're grieving in your own way, in your own time. The hole in your life will never fill but it will get easier to live with over time. Be gentle with yourself.
Oh, and I'm sure he knew how much you loved him.
Judy

marjean said...

It will get better over time. or I should say the pain will get duller, but there will still be times that it will wash over you again. Years after my mom died I still have periods of feeling really depressed, usually about two weeks before Christmas, and at first I wasn't sure why...I love Christmas...but once I realized my depression was really just me missing my mom it has eased up some. I've come to accept it and I know that in a day or two I will be back to being myself.

I like the suggestion from MrsETaylor. A tribute to your Dad is a great idea.

Juls said...

...you're a girl after my own heart, sadly. It is difficult when people ask, "How are you?" The most difficult question to answer these days... do they really want to know!??

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