*BEWARE, THIS IS NOT A HAPPY POST. THIS IS A VERY SAD POST. * Just wanted to get that out there because if I do publish this, it will be sad..
I've heard it all the last 4 months. From, 'you seem to be doing good' all the way to 'you're not over it yet' (that one really pissed me off, seriously how do you get over losing a major part of your life?) and I've felt it all. The sadness, the grief, the happiness, the resentment, the anger etc etc..
Today I'm remembering that grief is a pendulum. I thought I was doing pretty good. Lately the memories have been happy ones. I missed dad, sure, but it wasn't overwhelming. Today it's overwhelming. I really can't stop missing him. I want to talk to him. I want to ask him what he wanted for Fathers Day, even though I know what I'd get as a response. I want to hear his voice. More than I want my next breath. I know it's impossible, and the result would me losing my life and that isn't cool. So I cry. I miss him so much. I want my daddy. I want to see his smile. I want to hear his laughter. I would even take him saying "when you going back to school" because that would be a wonderful alternative.
I hate this. I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling like I'm losing it. I bike, I run, I walk so someone else might not have to feel the same way I do. But it's just procrastination. I'm waiting for the shoe to drop. I'm waiting for the next wave of grief. And although I am grieving in the way that I'm grieving. There is no right way or wrong way to grieve, I feel like, I don't know what I feel like. But it sucks.
I'm sad. I miss this person that was such a huge part in my life. The questions that I have are enormous. Did he know I loved him so much? Did he know I was so proud of him, with and without this disease? Did he know I loved his stupid jokes. His magic tricks?
1 day ago