Maybe not. Maybe so.
I've decided to ignore my birthday this year. It's not a thing I'm embarrassed about, see I'll be 32, July 21st. And I'm happy about that but so far in the last 5 months we've done 5 family dinners and I can honestly say, I leave sad and angry. I don't want that for my birthday. I'm just postponing it until next year and I'm ok with that. Next year I'll be stronger. This year I don't want to have this big black hole where dad would be. So I'm not doing a family birthday with my mom/brother/sil etc, it'll just be me and a cake, and I'm ok with that, although I probably will cry, cuz It's my birthday and I can cry if I want to ;-)
I find myself starting this weird part of the grief pendulum where I'm sad and then fine in a space of 3 minutes. It's normal and I'm ok with it but weird things set me off. I was happy that I didn't have this overwhelming sadness on Dad's death-aversiry, July 8th but then when I realized I missed it huge guilt. Which is stupid, because you can't just stop living. Weird.
Training update: Walking tonight, hoping to get 10k in. Not much but have to start somewhere.
1 week ago
