Doing ok?

Maybe not. Maybe so.

I've decided to ignore my birthday this year. It's not a thing I'm embarrassed about, see I'll be 32, July 21st. And I'm happy about that but so far in the last 5 months we've done 5 family dinners and I can honestly say, I leave sad and angry. I don't want that for my birthday. I'm just postponing it until next year and I'm ok with that. Next year I'll be stronger. This year I don't want to have this big black hole where dad would be. So I'm not doing a family birthday with my mom/brother/sil etc, it'll just be me and a cake, and I'm ok with that, although I probably will cry, cuz It's my birthday and I can cry if I want to ;-)

I find myself starting this weird part of the grief pendulum where I'm sad and then fine in a space of 3 minutes. It's normal and I'm ok with it but weird things set me off. I was happy that I didn't have this overwhelming sadness on Dad's death-aversiry, July 8th but then when I realized I missed it huge guilt. Which is stupid, because you can't just stop living. Weird.

Training update: Walking tonight, hoping to get 10k in. Not much but have to start somewhere.


MrsETaylor said...

I'll celebrate eat cake with you. how is that for compromise. and guess what, it's a stone in a gallbladder the size of a walnut. Ain't that a pretty site.

Miss you, love you, blah blah blah
Huge hugs

Juls said...

Big hugs to you. We've had family meals...too, and I leave feeling the same way as you. I don't know if it's for different reasons or the same, but ...I can relate. "A big hole where dad should be" I can relate to that too... Hang in there girl. I have no idea what to say to help....because I know from my point of view...losing your dad, and trying to go on like normal without feeling major guilt is very difficult. My hope is that it gets better. :)
I like your new look around here. Your family is beauiful!!

Juls said...

that should say, beautiful (of course) I don't know what happened to my t.

Alicia said...

first off...i love the new blog look! it looks fantastic! and secondly, it's your birthday. just do whatever it is that makes you happy!! my bday's the day before yours...will you eat some cake for me since i can't?? i hope you're feeling better...

Jenn M said...

Yes I can eat some cake for you, my gluten free friend. I point and laugh lol :)

And Juls, I hate family dinners because I feel like people are just forgetting. I know they aren't but I think that not enough is said etc. It's something on my long long list of things that I must deal with.

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