I'm finding this so hard...

So dad has been gone for 10 days. That's it. 10 days. I know it's not going to be any easy process. Death and dying and grief are a tangled mess..

Grief is defined as "The normal process of reacting both internally and externally to the perception of loss."

And I know it's going to be a long long road for me, and for the whole family. I can't get my head around that although my dad was ferociously sick, that dad's body failed him in so many ways, that he NEVER had a chance, that he is gone. This was always the outcome. He was going to die from the minute he received that dreadful diagnosis, way back Nov 07. And it sucks.

He's never going to be able to take my kids to the science center, a place where he loved. He's never going to take them to the zoo. I'm never going to see my dad at a finish line at a race. Yes I know he'll always be 'with me' but it is not the same. It sucks so much. I hurt so much. I'm trying to see the stages of grief as steps and they are.

I'm thinking I'm in stage 1. Denial. My friend says that stage never truly goes away. I'm in denial. I keep thinking, oh I should tell dad that. He'd be excited. Then I remember. But it could also be said I'm in stage2. Anger. Because man am I ever angry. I am so angry at a family who treated the C word as a dirty little secret. Every freaking person on my dad's maternal side died of cancer. And it was just recently (in the last 2 months) divulged. Dad had asked 10 years ago when he had the "not real kind" according to some, and no one said a flippin thing. Maybe it wouldn't have made a difference but I fully believe it would have. And I know its not just a new learning, because the Mat Grand said that she's known since they died. So ignorance isn't an excuse. I really feel that they have failed their son.

But what can I do, maybe that's part of
3. Bargaining. But I have nothing to bargain. I will make sure that I do better with my kids and tell them the good and the bad of family history. Because diseases shouldn't be dirty little secrets.

The other two stages of grief are coming, I can feel them. But with the stages comes new life. New normals. New stages of new normal life.

I miss you dad.


Sonia said...

Aww Jenn, I can almost feel your pain while reading your blog. I'm here if you need me. BIG ((((hugs))))!

Jo-Ann said...

I remember about a year after my brother died leaving work and driving to my brother's place. I had to pull over and get myself under control before I turned the car around and went home.

As they say, time heals. It does, but you never forget and you never stop missing. But you do get to a point where you don't wake up hurting.

(((((hugs))))) to you and your family.

Blog Widget by LinkWithin

Blog Archive

Subscribe Now: Feed Icon