It's happy face time tonight. I don't want to go out. I want to stay home and just be, but alas I can't. I have to go to my parents and be "on". Grandma and Grandad are here and chances are it will be their last time to see their son alive, and that kills me. It breaks my heart. We aren't close, things were said, they were avoided and so on and so forth. But that is not the way it supposed to be. You are not ever supposed to bury your child. You aren't. Doesn't matter that you are freakishly old (sorry g'ma and g'dad) ;) but you aren't supposed to outlive your child. Its not right.
I guess that's why I'm somewhat ok with dad dying. That's the progression of life. You are supposed to outlive your parents. That's a good thing. That's the way it has to be. I will bury my father soon. But I will live on. Children will still need to be fed, children will need to go to school, beds will need to made (or attempted) dance will happen. Life will happen. And that's a good thing.. I just wish we could have more healthy time with dad. A year ago when this happened I had dreams of him seeing his grandchildren graduate, them getting married, having babies etc but dreams change. I have comfort in knowing that although he won't be physically there, he will be there. That's the new reality.
So for tonight, I put on my happy face. Go to the gym, beat myself for a lovely 55 min bikeride then go pick up my grandparents, hopefully see dad and then come home and have the largest drink a girl can have. :D That's what I'm going to do.
4 hours ago
