Mommy when you are ....

Hubby was talking to B the other night while I was training at the gym because she was having a hard time sleeping (shock of all shocks lol) and he said that he is very proud of me for doing this. And B said yep its great because then we can get a new Grandpa. Huh? I guess in the mind of a 4 yr old me "biking for cancer, so no other girl will lose her grandpa" meant we get a new one. Nope you are unfortunately not going to have another grandpa, no male patriarchs will be alive. Sad to realize that she and her sister won't have grandpa's or nonno's. Made me cry, again shock of all shocks.

I've been a blubbering idiot the last week. I can't stop crying. So that freaks me out. Dad isn't even dead yet and I'm so sad. Not good when your "happy pills" aren't cutting it. Then again maybe I'd be worse without them. Definetely not the time to start experimenting. Couple of more months.

Got on the bike trainer last night and really loved it. Decided that my next must have is a better seat. Yikes. That crappy seat you can really feel the icky factor.

Wow how cool!

So I am now a proud owner of a stationary trainer. Very exciting.. Exciting that I never thought I'd be excited about a piece of gym equipment.. Come along way baby!

I found out a great story from one of my friends today.. J and J were in the doctors office 3 weeks ago and he saw the Conquer Cancer poster.

the conversation went like this:

J: You should do this mommy.

Mom: I can't, because your little brother is just too little.

J: Dad should do it.

Mom: He can't he's working.

J: Oh well what can we do?

Mom: My friend Jenn is doing it.

J: thinks for a second. I'm going to do a lemonade stand and then we should have a garage sale and I'll sell my old toys.

Mom: Sounds like a plan

3 weeks go by and J comes back up to his mom,

J: I've been thinking about it and this year for my birthday I want to ask people for money instead of presents and then I'll donate it to Jenn.

I've never been so touched and honored. This is a 6 year old boy. Wow is all I can say! J, you have raised your son to be a very amazing little boy. I am honored to be your friend!

50 minutes down, 6 hours + another day to go!

Very excited last night. I biked for 50 minutes on the stationary bike and I was feeling great. Did a 35 minute random hill climb and 10 minute warm up and 5 minute cool down (should have done 10 but I had to see my mom last night) and if I hadn't learned from previous over extending I could have went longer. But my brilliance shone through again and I remembered that "you might be able to do it but you shouldn't" is a motto of most athletes.

Going to Cyclepath today to get the trainer that will take my training to the next level. Also a trip to walmart for some weights.. Jenny's going to be toned in 5 months! Its been a crazy ride in the last month and its only going to get better!

Dad's the same.. Who knows what will happen with all of that. My gut is telling me to get prepared. Which I will do. How do you prepare? No idea. I guess start to make peace with it?

But today's a good day. I'm going to get my stationary trainer!!

How to fit it all in..

So here it is Monday. I've done my "day off" that has been allotted to me for the week. And now I have two sick children and a sick hubby. So the part of me that wants to go to the gym is being pushed down by the fact that if I leave who will put the kids to bed. I need to go buy a roller. That's what I need. But NO, every darn bike shop is closed on Monday's. What's up with that? I had bought one way back in December but it broke and then I couldn't find one that I liked. So now I'm stuck at the gym. Maybe instead of the gym, I'll do a 45 min run and resistance training. AHHH.. Working out, having a goal with kids sucks. So hard.

Now to my dad. We sit today, 12 days until his 62nd birthday and I wonder if he'll make it. If you look at the list of "dying signs" he has 4 of them now. What does that mean? Are the brain mets (metastasize of cancer to the brain from the Kidney) just huge now? And that's what is slowing him down to the point of nothing'ness or is it the end? Is his confusion of people and places just a progression of the disease or is it the end? 3 weeks ago, dad didn't think he'd make it until his 62nd birthday. I thought he would. Now I'm not sure. Granted no one is really ever truely sure. But I wonder how powerful is the human mind? There are so many stories about a person saying that they will not make it until this day, and they die that day. So I wonder. I wait and I hope. Hope for what? I'm not sure. Hope for him to make it until his birthday? Hope for the end? Hope for a new normal? So I hope.

Pain is relative!

So today I woke up at 4 am and thought OMFG how do my fingers hurt? My entire body said are you out of your bloody mind? My butt is so sore that sitting is not fun (thinking about pulling the hemorrhoid pillow out) but again my motto will get me through. "The pain is worth it!"

I'm doing it for every person that has a loved one with cancer, who has lost a parent, a mother, a son, a daughter, a friend. I can do this and if I lose my baby tummy in the process, I'm not going to be sad.

Have a great Sunday! I'll be the one walking like a 90 year old lady.

I have a bicep!

I have bicep's! I'm so excited.. Theresa had me sweat today. Yikes! 1 hour of weight and resistance training. I'm going to be in so much pain tomorrow. But so worth it. I was able to hold the flank lift for 28 seconds. That seems like nothing but 28seconds is HUGE when after 15 seconds you are shaking and trying not to die. I did a full workout and I feel great. No sleep last night because well, I have two kids. And two kids make for interesting nights. But still I feel awesome!

My workout schedule is pretty intense this week. 6 days. 4 days bike, 1 day run and 1 day with Theresa.. The bike will be 2 days hills, 2 days interval. And I'm going to be up to 55 minutes this week. Well I should be by Friday. That will be the goal. Have to find some great songs for the ipod.

Putting on a happy face..

It's happy face time tonight. I don't want to go out. I want to stay home and just be, but alas I can't. I have to go to my parents and be "on". Grandma and Grandad are here and chances are it will be their last time to see their son alive, and that kills me. It breaks my heart. We aren't close, things were said, they were avoided and so on and so forth. But that is not the way it supposed to be. You are not ever supposed to bury your child. You aren't. Doesn't matter that you are freakishly old (sorry g'ma and g'dad) ;) but you aren't supposed to outlive your child. Its not right.

I guess that's why I'm somewhat ok with dad dying. That's the progression of life. You are supposed to outlive your parents. That's a good thing. That's the way it has to be. I will bury my father soon. But I will live on. Children will still need to be fed, children will need to go to school, beds will need to made (or attempted) dance will happen. Life will happen. And that's a good thing.. I just wish we could have more healthy time with dad. A year ago when this happened I had dreams of him seeing his grandchildren graduate, them getting married, having babies etc but dreams change. I have comfort in knowing that although he won't be physically there, he will be there. That's the new reality.

So for tonight, I put on my happy face. Go to the gym, beat myself for a lovely 55 min bikeride then go pick up my grandparents, hopefully see dad and then come home and have the largest drink a girl can have. :D That's what I'm going to do.

Cruddy Day..

I'm having a hard time today. I don't feel like training, I don't feel like doing anything. I'm frustrated at Cancer and doctors. I don't get how you can look at dad, and although he's "ok" he doesn't look good. He looked worse yesterday then I have seen him in a good month. The only worse time was before the steroid was started at the beginning of December. He just looks tired.

He wasn't aware of who I was and although I'm getting more used to that it still sucks. Sucks the big one. The nurses were really happy with how he looks so I guess, and again I guess this is a good thing, that we have some more time with him. But really I think I'm tired. I'm so tired of watching this huge man, this guy who has been a strong and somewhat beligerent man get so weak. I know if he could know what he was like it would kill him. This is the cycle. Ups and downs. Ups and downs.. Maybe we are on the down of the last up, maybe we are really on the up going down. It is just so tough.

So there it is. I didn't train today. Actually my training this week has SUCKED. I walked Tuesday, ran Wednesday, and I'm hoping to bike tomorrow and have my crazy training session for my core on Saturday..

New favorite ...

This post has well nothing to do with cancer, biking, or even healthy living.

Its about my new favorite starbucks!

I'm in love with the new London Fog loose tea latte.. Holy yummy. It still has caffeine which is awesome but doesn't make me as hyper. Woohoo! Mind you maybe I need a bit more hyper..

What Have I done?

OH MY GOD. I signed up to have a personal trainer whip me into biking shape.. I knew I was in trouble when I first spoke to her. I told her my 200km bike goal, and her eyes just LIT up! I'm actually terrified of my first "be prepared to workout" session on Saturday. She doesn't use any equipment just props, so I'm in for a treat. She did give me a heads up that by April (or any good non snowy day) she wants me to bike to the gym. That's like 30km on bike paths. I know I know 30k is just a step to 200km but man it seems like reality now and I'm scared. :D But again I can do this. This is nothing compared to watching Dad fight cancer.