So many choices, so little money..

Did you know you can spend what I spent on my first 5 cars combined on a bike?




Seriously this bike is $9400. YIKES! Then I remind myself that I'm not Lance and the chance of Jenny ever, and I mean EVER doing anything like the Tour is non existent. To me this looks like a bike.. Has two wheels, a gear box, brakes etc but to a bike enthusiast this is the Cadillac of bikes. I don't have this need. Thank god. You can hear Sal breathe a HUGE sigh of relief...

But now out of fairytale land, back to my problem. What the heck am I going to buy? Do I buy a hybrid, like this or something more cost effective?

It's a Kona "Jake" for $949.00. Because I guess this is the schnizel for novice bikers cyclists like myself. But again, $1000 for a bike? That's my first 2 cars combined and from what I can see it doesn't come with little people in the saddlebags, pedaling for me. (If you find such a beast, please let me know) From what Steve said, it is a Hybrid Road Bike. I guess that means with 700c wheels (huh?) it will give me the speed I need to be awesome, and with the road bike handle bars crossed with a mountain bike handle bar it will give me the flexibility to be a rock star cyclist or a hard core mountain biker. Also the frame is oh my light. This will give me the oomph I'll need to help me bike 200ish kilometers.

But still $1000? So I have some more homework. I really don't want to pay that. really really really don't want to. But I don't want my crappy, crappy tire bike either because that bugger doesn't have the kick ass handle bars and is REALLY REALLY HEAVY.

So I have 3 more bike shops to check out. And there, hopefully, I will learn a little more about cycling. I have learned I do want the kick ass handle bars, I do NOT want the clipless pedals and if it comes in pink or orange that would be cool .. I am that kind of girl afterall.

Do you? I do..

So ever since I've been walking/running at night I have a rule. If your blinds are open, it's fair game. I've seen a lot in my year of walking. Last night I saw a naked man frying something on his stove, personally I think this is brave. I've seen a lot. I've seen some great designs of kitchens, some really ugly wallpaper, really really ugly art work. Some scary looking people. Some nice families. Last night hubby came out with me. He said I shouldn't look. I know I shouldn't, but its the voyeur in me. I'm just not the perverted type. I'm curious. I've spent my life being curious. I don't talk a lot, I watch. I people watch. It's what I do. So I'm asking do you look in? And not the creepy, intentional look, but the absent glance?

*and as an added special part to this post, I'll let you in on a secret -- even putting the word voyeur in my post I will get about 10 hits (possibly more) today simply from people who type Voyeur in google so I'll quickly say, lets conquer cancer, click here to end this blasted disease (even perverts, sorry perverts, have to hate cancer) Yay I'm getting my sarcasm back!

Have a wonderful day. I'm going to.

Days, hours, minutes

I feel like a bus has hit me.

I feel sad

I feel angry

I feel frantic

I feel frustrated

I feel withdrawn

I feel disorganized

I feel cranky

I feel overwhelmingly stuck in this horrible, sad, angry, frantic, frusturated, withdrawn, disorganized, cranky grief pattern.

How can I be so mad and sad at god for taking dad, but yet wanting to understand him more?

I am so sad, angry etc that I don't know if I'm grieving or just sad.

Am I depressed or just sad?

How can I want people around me but crave quiet?

Grief or depression or sadness sucks
Tomorrow will be a better day -- I hope.

Laughing from above..

Wednesday. It's Wednesday. I finally got 5 hours sleep last night. Been up all week every 55 minutes with E. It has not been fun. I'm exhausted. Actually to say I'm exhausted would be an understatement. I'm flipping pooped. But that's the job.

I was excited, on the road to a whopping 6.5 to 7 hours sleep when the little bugger, and that is a nice phrase to describe my little twit, decided that 5:45 was it. sleep no more. and how did she wake her dear old mom up? by doing something so horrible, so disgusting, so Me like I had to laugh. If dad is watching he would be rolling on the floor laughing. She woke me up by not only flipping the main light on at 5:45 but prying my eyelids open. A Jenn thing. She is me. She looks like me, is moody like me and is, me. Sal calls her L.J. because of all the similarities.

Oh how I'm not looking forward to the teenage years.

Have a great morning.

My dad in pictures .. trying to remember

I'm in a reminiscing mood today, actually I'm in grasping for anything to remember my dad the way he was, not the sick frail old looking young man he was when I last saw him Feb 7, his birthday. So I decided to put his pictures on this blog. Obviously this isn't 62 years of pictures but it is a pretty good look of my dad. The one thing I will ALWAYS remember about my dad, was the twinkle in his eye, the grin on his face and just below that the absolute love of life. I wish I could share the video that Jo-Ann from Mom2BoysProductions but it's just too big, so I've picked a few pictures..

Dad 2 years old

That's my daddy!

Matt, Me and Dad Christmas '79

Me and Dad '85

The Fam


The biggest fish EVER .. we still aren't sure if it didn't come from Safeway.. :)

Favorite Shirt.. seriously folks Dad still has this in his closet

Hawaii in 1989

Planes were one of his loves.

Ships another love!

Acting silly...

His pride and joy..well except until he got ....

The Goldwing, the vehicle that Mom and Dad were going to tour North America on


Don't they look happy?

Never far from his camera

Proud Grandpa 2004

Mine favorite picture, B's too.. He scared the 'socks right off of her

Very happy G'pa, a new one to laugh with

Everybody should learn right?

Supposedly my dad was healthy? We can see it now though.

2007 August

Now things get pretty sad, but I have to say even at the end my dad still has that twinkle in his eye and the smile on his face.

So get your kleenex and see the final year of my dad. He didn't like his picture being taken the last year, because he well didn't want people to remember him that way.

And man I'm trying but they are pretty darn difficult pictures to forget.

2 Weeks after Diagnosis Dec 2007

February 2007

March 2007 Elbow Falls. They made it to the top.. It took 2 hours though. But he made it!

The last time the girls got to play with Grandpa Spring 2008



July 2008, Matt's Birthday




November right after Brain mets were found and his first round of radiation



Christmas 2008



Christmas - opening Mom's present. It was a shock to him too because he couldn't remember what Christmas was about.



January visit with his Brother, my uncle. See the smile. Always a smile!


And the final picture, taken 1 week prior to his entrance into the hospice, so 12 days before death.




I miss you so much Dad.

New Workout Plan

Yahoo! I got my new workout/resistance training plan from Theresa today. None of the really complicated exercises, you know those 'seriously you want me to bend where and use what?' types. I am not bendy nor coordinated. I don't do aerobics for a reason. Anyways, got my new plan. Designed to aid me in flexibility, stomach definition (not the keg variety) and to stop me from stooping. I have a stooping problem that goes way way back. Because as a 8 yr old girl you don't like being the tallest in your class so you hunch. Crap on the back at 32. But I'm working at it.

And I'll be on the bike for real -- outside by the end of the week. Well that is providing Calgary's 10-20 cm snowfall doesn't accumulate.

Need a new poison..

If you have read this blog for awhile, or are a IRL friend you will know I have a small love affair with DisAronno.. But like this new phase in my life, I need a new drink.. Ok that sounds very Alcoholic like of me, but it really is just a night out, night in, one drink thing. Cocktail hour. Plus as an added bonus I haven't been sick in 3 months, coincidence?

Anyways I'm on the hunt for a new drink, hunt is strong since I just decided this about an hour ago when I opened the liquer cabinet for some tequila to make tequila chicken and realized that my Disaronno is no more.. Maybe a sip, not a drink left. *sigh* So now I'm thinking this is a great time to try something else. Gin? Vodka? Scotch? Hmm.. To the liquer store.. And again this is my process of grief. I'm owning it :)

I'm not paranoid..

I'm acutely hypersensitive. Yay! I've been labeled. woohoo. But it only applies to my feelings that someone else close to me will die and leave me alone. re: my hubby, my kids, my mom etc etc..

Therapy was good last night. Its so nice to be validated. I knew everything the grief counselor said but it was so nice to not really have to filter my feelings. And I'm not crazy. (well not totally) It's what I've been saying all along, I OWN my grief. It's mine. No one can tell me to speed up, slow down, to be happy, to be sad except ME and I'm not ready. I'm still pissed off. I'm still so freaking angry that he died. I'm still so pissed off at so many people including my dad. And that it's ok to be angry, mad, sad, pissed off at a dead person. I OWN that too. And man I own it!

I'm angry that I have to figure out how to fix a toilet, how to change my oil. Because dammit, before my parents went on that fateful trip to Phoenix in 2007 where everyone's life was changed forever, he said that he'll save me the trip to Mr.Lube and do my oil changes. Dammit where's my freaking oil change?? And I've been told that I can be pissed off at stupid SILLY things like that. I can be angry at my dad for dying. I can be pissed off at a disease that is so insidious that it doesn't care if you are old, young, man or woman.

On a really AWESOME note. Sal has signed up for the underwear affair with me. I'm so proud of him. Yay! Sal in a thong? hahahahahaha

200km 'ish'

So yay probably won't be biking into the glorious Rocky Mountains. But rather riding south from Calgary ALONG the mountains. From the blog chatter, the lovely Canadian Parks Service required park passes for all 1000 ish participants who were biking plus all the crew etc etc. Gotta love that. But actually to not have to bike UP a mountain, thanks Parks Canada. Woohoo.

So now I'm doing the guessing game. If I was a betting person I'd say start would be Spruce Meadows, just for sheer volume of space they have. Then on highway 22 up through Turner Valley basically into the Crowsnest Pass. Which for me is very fitting, on to that in a minute. Pincher Creek doesn't seem like a great end place, no offence, so I wonder where we will end.

Crowsnest Pass, the one place in this entire world that my Dad LOVED! He would take his Motorcycle up there as much as he could. And that is the area right where the fork in the road happens (where 22 hits the 3) where my daddy's going to take his final journey on his bike. We have adopted a 3 kilometer portion of the road where my dad will be forever memorialized by us.

So thank you Parks Canada because if this is true and we do take this path, then it will even be more special to me.

Reconnecting...

Sal and I went on a, wait for it,


a DATE!


An actual date last night. Not one of those cheap, haha you have two kids and no babysitter so you have a date in your living room. (although those are nice too) but we haven't been on an actual date since the Neil Diamond concert in September. So this was special. My sister and brother came over to babysit (Thanks guys) and we went to this great little pub in DeWinton. Stockmans Restaurant and Lounge. Had the Calamari, Salt and Pepper Wings and two fantastic desserts, oh and yes I had two Disaronno's and coke.

We've been dealing with so much shit the last 3 years that it is no wonder we are needing to reconnect. Two of the biggest stresses in a marriage, money and death of a family member. Check on both counts. The death of a family member twice. Cancer Sucks. And an industry that is not doing so well at the moment. So instead of divorce, which isn't a choice but a copout in many (not all) situations, we've decided to reconnect. It was fun to reconnect without kids. This past week has been a reflection period for me. I realized that I really love my husband. Really love the guy. He's funny, and smart and witty and all of those things that I forget about. Oh and he wants to start running.. YAY! I have a running partner. He's thinking about signing up for the Underwear Affair.

We are going to do this every week. Yay. I get my husband back. and he gets me back.

Oh and no scary dreams last night. My brain must have needed me to remember that part in order to get past the scary dreams.

Cold sweat

Running on empty the last couple of days. Went to bed at 6:30, yippee, right? Wrong. I woke up at 10 in a cold sweat.

I first heard my dad yelling at my mom for not understanding what he was saying (he knew what he was saying, we just didn't) then I heard him say "please, Margaret, I don't want to die in the hospice" then I heard him tell me "that it was going to be ok and not to worry", then I saw the bright blue veins that say he's almost dead, I heard myself say 'I'll see you in 60 years', then I saw him dead. Lying in the hospice room dead. DEAD. And finally because those others weren't terrifying enough, I saw the funeral home people come to the hospice and put dad in the black body bag (I had forgotten about that little piece)

When am I going to be able to remember my dad as the guy that is was my dad?

I can't handle the black body bag vision. I want my dad back.

Not a morning person

I tried! I really did. I set the old alarm for 4:45. I had my running gear all lined up. I was ready. At 10:30 last night. But when the alarm went off at 4:45 I said screw it. That's so early. I like sleep. I need to run, because otherwise I'll be walking the half in April (which would suck) but man oh man I don't think I'm a morning person. Ha, I don't think it, I know it! I've trained my kids to become 8 am people too..

It is getting darker later so I'll go tonight. Tonight. I'll go for a 10k run tonight. Because 4:45 is for those working or crazy people. Although it has been said I'm crazy, still not waking up at 4:45 for anybody. Not even to get rid of my holy crap love handles that have appeared over the Christmas holidays.

Resistance training today. Hoping for a measly 20 pushups, 50 curls, bicep curls, lunges. All the interesting stuff.

Shameless plugging

So my epic (ok for me it's EPIC and Inaugural ) "Jenny's Running, Pedaling, and walking for a cure" begins in 3 months! Wow time flies! First up, June 6th - the Underwear Affair where I will run 10km hopefully in under 1 hour! Next up, June 26th to the 28th will be my holy crap I'm insane because I'm riding 200+++km in the Ride to Conquer Cancer. And finally but certainly not least I will be walking at least 30km (hopefully 60k with $2000 in donations) the July 24th weekend in the Weekend to End Woman's Cancer.

I've almost reached my goal of $5000 in the Ride to Conquer Cancer, I have half the money ($150) needed for the Underwear Affair and am really lagging on the WEEKEND TO END WOMAN'S Cancer

It's HUGE. For those who are new reading my blog, this is the reason why

I'll tell you why I'm doing this. Why I am doing this huge journey My dad at 62 years old died. He had a LONG (but actually very short) journey of Metastatic Kidney Cancer. By the time it was found, it had metastasized to his gallbladder, his liver, his lung and 2 other places. By the time he died 14 months later it had went into his bone, skin and brain. 3% of kidney cancer goes to the brain. This was my daddy's luck! It sucked. He had beat cancer before, was told that his 5 year margins were good. And there ya go. But one doctor flippantly said, see you in 7 years. And yeppers 7 years later we assume the cancer started again. 3 years after that my daddy died. Shitty luck. My dad's mom has cancer on her side of the family. That means that my 2 beautiful girls might have that gene, and because my husbands father died of Lung Cancer then they are really screwed. And so are we. So I'm fighting. I'm fighting because this way my kids have a chance to not get this horrible disease. I'm fighting so my kids don't have to watch ME or Sal die from this disease. You can't live your life in fear but dammit I can't let cancer win. So I'm going to RUN, BIKE AND WALK to get rid of this blasted disease.

Gone Crazy

Spent all night puking my guts out and it wasn't a Disaronno incident. I promise that. But even with zero sleep, a raw stomach, I want to run? WTH? Seriously? This is the day, because my kids are at their Nonna's, I should; rest, sleep and just get caught up from the last shi$y month.

But nope here I sit, typing and thinking suck it up buttercup go for a run. You don't have to run fast just run. Just go around the community once. That's 4 k. See if I can make it under the 26 mins I want. Man oh man I'm screwed aren't I. This 'athlete, fitness bug' that i've caught is lifelong huh? Well that's good. I guess???

Mussels

Here's a random, ok somewhat drunken post. Yay for DisAronno

Some ocean dweller was searching for a fish to eat way way back when and came out short. He knew his wife was going to be PISSED off because she had planned for fish for dinner, like every other night, so he had to come up with a solution. He went into the ocean and was thinking to himself, "self what to bring to my woman" he comes upon a rock. He puts his finger on his chin and thinks, hmm that weird looking thing looks tasty? Maybe wifey has some wine and garlic?

Ok the last part just makes my dinner better but seriously who the heck thought to themselves this


would make a good meal?

But man I'm glad they did.

and again thanks DisAronno for this post..

Annoyances and Children

Why why is it so hard to put puzzles back in the box, so *gasp* you can actually have a complete puzzle?

B said to me when she finished this one, oh that's not bad, just one piece missing.. GRR

Great Song..

While driving home from Applebees tonight I heard a great song for me. Because I'm still at the loss of is there or isn't there but the 'is there a heaven' is winning out. Because seriously I have to believe!




I think anyone who has ever lost someone they love can appreciate this song.

My dad got 62 years plus 8 hours on this world but I have to hope that he

flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And he walks with Jesus and his loved ones waiting
And I know he's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

Friends..

I think I'm a pretty lucky gal.

This has probably been the worst 15 months, with a huge emphasis on extremely crudiness the last 3 months, and I have found I have some great friends. Not a huge amount, because I'm slightly picky and standoffish ok really picky and very standoffish, but that's me. Take it or leave it. 32 years of being like this isn't going to change.

Some are bloggy friends, some are online community friends, some are friends who have moved away (ok lets say deserted me ;-)) and some are friends who have just recently become friends. And some, one, has been my friend since the beginning of time. Yes I'm old. But I'm also very very lucky.

It's so nice to have people around you who ask questions on how you are doing, but don't dwell on the crap. Who can laugh at you burning your butt (if you don't know the story, just think Jenn, stove and reaching for glass and you'll get the gist) and then they talk about their lives. Conversations that don't talk about the 'C' word or all about the 'K' word but friends that talk about the cool crafts they've been doing. Or the weird s$it disturbing they've been doing. Or just talking. Getting out of the house. Going to Applebees, which with the exception of the frozen apple crisp was a great night out!

I just wanted to say THANK YOU! Thanks for reading my weird and crazy life. Thanks for being a part of my weird and crazy life . I don't have blog candy for you (because its a freaking recession and well S isn't working very much) but my thanks is all I can say. Thanks!

Um seriously?

$634.27 for Heat and Electricity?

WHAT THE HECK???

Small house (1200 sq feet) small kids, and what?

$634.27 for Enmax.

And nope didn't forget to pay last months. Been paying all along.

Called them. "Yeah we've been getting a lot of phone calls". No SHIT!

They are playing 'catch up' because oh yeah they haven't done a meter reading for 62 days.

I wish I could just not do my job for 62 days. You think my kids would mind?

Canary in a coalmine and other things I've learned

So while riding for 2 yes count them 2 hours on the bike tonight, I learned a few things.

1. A playlist is essential. If you don't have one you will be screwed.
2. Canary in a coalmine is a very strange song, but it strangely has a good beat.
   
3. If you don't have a good plan you will not win on Mantracker and will get captured
4. I really want to go on Mantracker next year. (OLN 7pm)
   
5. Beth off of Dog the Bounty Hunter has extremely large boobs and you can't beat Dog
6. Big hair is back in see BUMPITS
7. You can have no bra straps showing and bigger boobs with a simple clip
   
8. Never, and I mean NEVER let a detective take your drink to the 'garbage' if you are guilty of something, anything - this thanks to SVU
9. My back/shoulder trap area still is sore!
   
10. I could have probably went for another hour on the bike, if not for the insane boredom!

Usborne Books.

I fell in love with a book company today. I love books but haven't been all together impressed with kids books lately. But today I found a great one.

I will admit I love the home party (actually I don't) but I like doing home parties for fundraising. I find that they are good way for people to donate to my cause. And if you don't know what that is by now its KICKING CANCER'S ASS. I'm calling this year my "Jenny's pedaling, running and walking for a cure" year. So I need to do as many fundraisers as possible.

But today I went to a home party for Usborne Books and decided that I want to do a party. Hopefully it'll become a fundraising party (because 10000 is a lot of money to raise) but even if its not then I'll still have fun. Usborne Books is a British Company that has awesome kids books from babies right up to teenagers.

My kids made out like bandits. They were just so purdy!






Oh and a training note: I have to bike 2 hours tonight. Slightly sore shoulder or not.

It's been a month

And I'm not really getting any better. Actually I think I'm getting weepier. So the call has been made. I have a call into the Psychosocial counselors at the Tom Baker Cancer Center. Maybe by talking to someone it will help get past or 'compartmentalize' the sad thoughts. They probably won't ever truly go away but they will just come once in awhile not every day and really heavily.

I was talking to Mom today and saying that yesterday sucked. It really really sucked. She agreed. We had everyone over last night for supper because I didn't think we needed to be alone. And I think I was right.

1 month ago yesterday at 4:25ish in the morning all of my lights, the tv and the radio went on in our room. I'm confident that was Dad's final, I love you Jenny. And it sucks. I would give almost anything to have him back. But I can't have him back so I have to find a way to deal with it. Time heals, and I know that but man time is flying very very slowly. About a month before he died he told me I could grieve for 2 months. It was his joking way of saying life goes on. I told him last night that, that was quite optimistic and I don't think I'll make his deadline.

I read this obit, probably once a week. Its my dad through and through. I miss him so much!

Chris February 7, 1947 - February 8, 2009 , loving husband of Margaret; father to Jennifer and Matt; father-in-law to Sal M and A B; and grandfather to Izzie and Emily M, passed away after a hard-fought battle with Kidney Cancer, one day after his 62nd birthday. To those who knew him: On the 19th hole, raise a glass to him; on your motorcycle, enjoy the beauty of the open road; in your rose garden, nurture a rose for him; when talking politics, debate heartily for him; in your workshop, when you build it, build it well and build it to last; and finally, when with your children or grandchildren, laugh and enjoy them; but most of all live well, love much and enjoy your life. Chris and Dad - you will never be far from our hearts. Funeral Services will be held at St. Paul's Anglican Church (7 Sunmills Green S.E.) on Friday, February 13, 2009 at 2:00 p.m.

Sidelined..

Every 'Athlete' and I use that word loosely for myself dreads this. Being sidelined. I've been injured. My back is in full spasm. I did a sit up today and yikes. I zigged when I should have zagged or something because I can't move.

So my body is saying rest. And I'm going to rest.

And have Greek Food and Drink Ouzo. Its dinner party night!

Back to Basics..

I'm going to relearn being a MOM.

I've been so stressed out, mad, sad, bitchy, cranky these last 3 -14 months that I've forgotten what I love most in this world. My kiddo's.

So we are going back to the basics.

No TV
No Computer during the day (I'm not that good)
Puzzles
Games
Crafts
Baking
Science Experiments
Fun stuff!

I'm excited to become a mom again. And saddened that it got to this point. But I can't look back, only look forward.

"You can't change the deck of cards given, only how you play the hand" Randy Pausch 'The last Lecture'

I'm going to play a much better hand. My kids deserve it! I deserve it!

Have to exorcise the dead father..

That's all I can see when I close my eyes. My dead father. Lying in the hospice at 445am on the 8th of February.. His mouth open, his eyes partially shut. I remember thinking come'n dammit just breathe. I could visualize his chest rising and falling. I was sure I saw it. But nope I didn't. So now I'm faced with a lifetime of seeing only my father dead or a lifetime of happy good memories with the twinkle in his eyes. The smile on his face. I'm choosing the happy memories. I'm going to scrapbook his life. Or his life that I know.

I decided this last night after a grueling 30 minute workout session with Theresa. I didn't want to go home, but I couldn't quite manage to go and see people like I thought I might have been able too.. I'm trying to regain my 'life' but my almost anti-social personality is using my dad's death as a crutch. So while driving to the Cheesecake Cafe, I turned into Scrapbookers Paradise and spent a fortune. Then paid to find out that my new fangled credit card needed me to remember my pin number which of course I never had. Called Sal. He gave it to me reluctantly. :D .. But in my process I found some neat paper, neat embellishments. But no book. Went to Michaels. Found one that was nice but black. I didn't want black. Wanted something fun. Because as much as dad was a hard-ass, some might even say anal (sorry daddy) he was a fun guy. Found a really fun, but still masquline scrapbook.

So in addition to going back to school, training for a huge huge bike ride, training for a half marathon, 2 book clubs, I'm now going to exorcise a dead father picture. It's going to be fun!

Have you ever

Today was the first day to return to 'quasi normal'. I packed up the girls and went to Grandma's. We are returning to the pre-cancer Tuesdays. The day that mom gets to see the girls and I get to pray that my kids don't break anything. I say that in jest, because I know my mom would be ok if things were broken but I don't want my kids to break them.

Anyways I had prepared myself for the newness, the lack of dad, etc etc. And was doing really well until 11:30. This was the time my dad would've come home from work, or from a golf game. So I found myself looking at the door and waiting. So strange. I could hear the garage door open, I imagined the door to the house opening. Had to shake myself. He's not coming home. He's never coming home. Pretty sad. This whole thing is sad. But it is life. It is the new normal.

Mom found some really great pictures of dad. I'll have to put a few here when I scan them. One was a picture of dad and me. I was about 5, so he would have been 35. He was wearing grey sweatshorts and a short sleeved dress shirt. A fashion maven he was not, lol. But in this picture he was showing me how to skip. I don't remember this event at all, but I do know Dad spent so much of his time trying to show us the cool things in life. I'll miss that. I know he had so many plans with the girls.

Mom told me that she was talking to dad back in October and he said that 3 years ago he thought to himself that he thought he had cancer. He felt like shit. He felt horrible. But he couldn't face it again. I can't fight it. I won't fight it. I fought stage 3, 6 years ago, and if I have it then screw it. It will kill me and this way I can just die. If I'm supposed to die, then I'm going to die. Why fight the inevitable.

I can't even imagine being so scared that you don't want to fight it. I was so mad when mom told me this. But now I just feel sad for my dad. To want to fight but thinking its inevitable that he'll die anyways. He went through only a moderate amount of hell 10 years ago, and this one was pure hell. The pain he must have been in. So many different theories on if he was really in pain those last few days. I like the theory that his right brain had shut down so he really wasn't aware of what was going on. I like that one.

Anyways, its done. He's dead. And those left behind must find a way to move on. I'm moving on by biking and running. I was telling a friend that I'm doing ok, but once I cross that finish line in Lake Louise, I think I'll just breakdown. And being Erika, she said, well at least you have a plan :D

Walking tonight. Hope to do 8km. But this is all dependant on my very pregnant sister, and the extreme slush.
Gym Training tomorrow
Bike Thursday
Bike Friday
Gym Saturday
Bike Sunday (hopefully outside)

Sad post..

So conversation with B before bed:

Me: You have to get to sleep soon because we are going somewhere tomorrow
B: Ok where?
Me: We're going to go see G'ma and G'pa er G'ma..
Me: Start crying and have to leave the room

Damn ghosts..

Training, Trainer, Crazy Person.. Any difference?

Saturday is my strength training day at the gym. I pay money for my trainer to kick my a$$. I've missed 4 weeks because of Dad, kids and life getting in the way. I am really really happy to say that I am not as balance-issued as 6 weeks ago. But I still have a long way to get to true core strength. We started out with a simple Alpine Hill Bike Test, or 15 minutes of pure HELL, basically the same thing. I'm prepared for hills. But really haven't prepared for hills, if you know what I mean. But I did it and my heart rate was in the lower end of the range. YAY. Score one for Jenny!

Then we went up and we got to business. Straight off, 39 seconds of the Plank. I am loving the plank. My goal is 60 seconds.

Jumping Jacks for 60 seconds, some scary resistance band exercises and then running on the spot for 60 seconds. Another strength exercises then more cardio. See a pattern? And I didn't pass out, it was great! My arms hurt like a bugger today though.

I've looked at few more bikes and think I've narrowed it down. I would like the BIanchi, but telling Sal that I need a bike that has the price tag of a HYUNDAI isn't going to happen. So I will go for the TREK. About $900. So not horrible. And I think I'm going to enjoy biking, I might *might* be a reformed runner, so I want a decent bike. And after driving in Cochrane yesterday, I'm going to do the Duathalon, just for sheer spite. I can do that bitch. I'll bike it. I just won't care about time.