Calluses and cracked walnuts..

Callused and being able to crack walnuts with my ass. That's the goal in 4 months. Oh and being spandex ready.

I was biking tonight for an hour and half. very cool. Got a good playlist going. I must have been quite the sight, crying my eyes out with Melissa Ethridge's "I run for life" I wish my dad would have been able to see me at the end of this journey, biking with me (so yes he'd be on his motorcycle) but still I wish that would be the way. If wishes were horses right? But he's not and I'm biking for him.

I realized, really realized, why I'm biking from Calgary to Lake Louise. I'm biking so no daughter has to cry over her dad not being here to fix a plumbing problem. I'm biking so no wife has to try to figure out a "plan" after her husband dies. I'm biking so no mother has to spend 10 days separated from her family because the radiation in her body is so strong that its harmful to everyone near her. I'm biking so no mother or father, have to watch their child's eye be removed at 6 months old.

I'm biking for HOPE! FAITH! LIFE!

Um yeah so..

I have been debating my race choices this year and have come up with some good ones I think. I was planning on doing the Footstock Duathalon in Cochrane, but after finding out words like 'rolling hills', 'test your legs' I'm inclined to say maybe not the best choice 2 weeks prior to biking 215+ km from Calgary to Lake Louise. Because lets face it Calgary to Lake Louise has enough hills to last me at least another year.. I'm hoping the scenery will make the hills (ok HUGE ASS MOUTAINS or HAM) as I'm going to keep calling them worth it.But back to the race or event schedule.

Calgary Police Half - April
Conquer Cancer Bike - June in the HAM
Canada Road Race - 10 km in July
Weekend to End Woman's Cancer - July 25
Edmonton Half Marathon - August
Kelowna Half - October thanksgiving weekend

Woohoo. Lots of training to keep my mind busy.

Grief has not been kind to me

All I want to do is eat. Eat crap none the less..

Newsflash: A whole box of Lifestyle cookies, are not healthy. Yummy, but not healthy!

Walk tonight, I think, but since its minus 18 it'll be a cold one. Going to bike in about 15 mins for an hour, if the girls will let me.

Still have to get a better bike seat. And some gloves. Can't decide on a bike as of yet. Giving myself one more month.. That'll give me 8 weeks to get used to it on city/rural roads.

So I'm biking for so many people and I can't let them down, I won't let them down.. If you have someone you would like me to bike for let me know and I'll figure out something to honor them. Because cancer SUCKS! I can bike 200+kilometers so no one else has to eat a box of lifestyle cookies because grief sucks. It sucks the life out of you.

The best laid plans...

So today is Saturday. It WAS going to be my strength training day at the gym. And since I haven't been since the last week of January, I was excited but a little nervous. Got everything ready to jump out the house to go last night..

Then I wake up to the sound every parent hates. The dreaded SEAL. The seal barking in my ear at 4:30am yippee. But not just a seal.. The wheeze, the stretched ribs, the just horrible sound. Off to the shower for a hot steam for B. Nothing. Didn't help. And it was getting worse. So at 7:30 decided that yep, off to the hospital for us. Spent 5 hours in either the waiting room, or the exam room to find out that yep she does have croup and its a yucky case. Luckily shes almost 5 so her airways are bigger so a round of steroids will do the trick.

So now my evening off will be biking for an hour and strength training at home. again yippee. lol

Oh the joys of children.. And by the way she's much better. She's less seal and more B again..

Tender bits..

OUCH!

Enough said..

Shopping tomorrow..

Biked 25 km tonight..

Double Post kind of day..

Today was an amazing day and a sad day all rolled up in one.

First the AMAZING news. I reached my official "first goal" in fundraising. I reached the $3200 mark. My dad's old company MEG Energy donated $1000 to help me Conquer Cancer in his name. That's just so cool. Plus a multitude of personal donations from coworkers, bosses etc. That was a shock. I wasn't expecting it at all. I wasn't expecting anything. I knew I was biking for dad but I was fully prepared to put as much personal money in as needed to do it. Now I think in my mind I'm going to make it to my 'unofficial' goal of $5000. I need just 500 to do it!

Now the crappy news. My dad is dead. It came to a huge shock to me, when I went to see mom tonight and he wasn't there. I know how stupid that sounds. But I still can't believe it. I could smell his cologne, I could see his glasses, I saw his B2200 Maxda in the driveway, but no dad. No dad on the premises. Just his things. He's a 9 pound box of ash in an urn. Crazy that a human body can be cremated into a 9lb bag, with a ZIPTIE no less. I am going to have lots of these ghosts. I called his cell this morning by accident and got his voice, talk about being shook up. I haven't heard 'his' voice since October. Its been a whisper, a fleck but not Chris's voice. Blech that sucks.. BOOOO.

I'm finding this so hard...

So dad has been gone for 10 days. That's it. 10 days. I know it's not going to be any easy process. Death and dying and grief are a tangled mess..

Grief is defined as "The normal process of reacting both internally and externally to the perception of loss."

And I know it's going to be a long long road for me, and for the whole family. I can't get my head around that although my dad was ferociously sick, that dad's body failed him in so many ways, that he NEVER had a chance, that he is gone. This was always the outcome. He was going to die from the minute he received that dreadful diagnosis, way back Nov 07. And it sucks.

He's never going to be able to take my kids to the science center, a place where he loved. He's never going to take them to the zoo. I'm never going to see my dad at a finish line at a race. Yes I know he'll always be 'with me' but it is not the same. It sucks so much. I hurt so much. I'm trying to see the stages of grief as steps and they are.

I'm thinking I'm in stage 1. Denial. My friend says that stage never truly goes away. I'm in denial. I keep thinking, oh I should tell dad that. He'd be excited. Then I remember. But it could also be said I'm in stage2. Anger. Because man am I ever angry. I am so angry at a family who treated the C word as a dirty little secret. Every freaking person on my dad's maternal side died of cancer. And it was just recently (in the last 2 months) divulged. Dad had asked 10 years ago when he had the "not real kind" according to some, and no one said a flippin thing. Maybe it wouldn't have made a difference but I fully believe it would have. And I know its not just a new learning, because the Mat Grand said that she's known since they died. So ignorance isn't an excuse. I really feel that they have failed their son.

But what can I do, maybe that's part of 3. Bargaining. But I have nothing to bargain. I will make sure that I do better with my kids and tell them the good and the bad of family history. Because diseases shouldn't be dirty little secrets.

The other two stages of grief are coming, I can feel them. But with the stages comes new life. New normals. New stages of new normal life.

I miss you dad.

Mantracker to the rescue

So I have found the best time to workout is either at naptime (2-3) or at Mantracker time (7-8pm). I love Mantracker. It makes that 45 minutes just fly by!

I have fantasies about Mantracker (not those kind) but the ones that I am the winner. I am the "prey" and beat that sorry guy and sidekick on horseback. I can see myself entering that reality show. And not getting anything except bragging rights. I'm trying to convince my sidekick aka my sister in law to enter it with me next year. That would be pretty cool. Although I would have to learn how to make a fire. But I'm sure google will be able to help me with that!

Anyways back to the workout part. 45 mins bike, broken down to 10 min warm up, 25 minute interval, 10 minute cool down. And then resistance training. I still hate pushups but I'm getting better!

Well there ya go..

One week ago today, I had a daddy. Today I have a daddy who is in heaven or in a better place. I hope that he's in a better place. I've been dealing with the thought of heaven and hell, a good place a bad place. An ever after, or just gone. I don't know what I believe. But I do believe that dad is free of pain, hurt and anguish. The last 14 months we have dealt with so much. We have watched dad go from a very strong and vibrant person to a strong spirit and a very weak body. It has hurt so much to watch him be destroyed by a disease that should and could be stopped.

1 in 2 people will get Cancer; 1 in 4 will DIE from cancer.
That is so not cool.

That is the reason for this blog. This is the reason I am biking 200 + Kilometers over 2 days in June. This statistic is horrendous. I am just one small person in a sea of many but I feel strongly that I can make a difference. We can make a difference. I promise to do the hard part. Its my legs and my butt.

Training resumes tomorrow. Because WE have







Bring on the BIKE!

Rest in Peace Mr. Beer

Feb 7, 1947 to Feb 8, 2009

Love you forever.

You will be missed.


When I get to where I'm going I'll meet up with you again!

I love you Dad. May you be at peace.

May you be the eagle you dreamed of being.

You are my hero.. You have taught me how to love, to live, to be courageous in the face of hardship. Rest in Peace Daddy..

Couple hours..a day.. two at most..

Well there I said it. Or wrote it..

My dad will be dead the end of weekend latest. SHIT!

I hate cancer!

It's February 1st!

I'm so excited. Today is February First. This sounds pretty mundane to most, but to me its an amazing milestone. 8 weeks ago today, Dec 1st my dad was given 4-8 weeks no longer. He probably won't make it until 9 weeks but who knows. He's beaten every milestone the doctors have given him. Sheer force of will.

6 Days from today, Dad will be 62 years old. And we all have hope that he will make it the last 6 days. He was supremely pissed that the doctors said he won't make it until that age. He was so angry. So my bet is he dies on his birthday. What a complete circle. I was surprised to learn that in some circles the stats are quite interesting. 80% of people who have a life threatening illness die either 2 days before or 2 days after their birthdays..Women make it up to two days after and men 2 days before. Interesting.. But are the stats just "crazy bobs stats from his basement" or true. We will find out within 4-8 days I guess. We've been wondering what Dad is waiting for so maybe this is it.

Biked 60 minutes today on the trainer.. Totally doable! Yay me.. I have 4 months, 3 weeks and 4 days left.. Yikes. Time is a flying by!